misside

(no subject)

: misside; April 15th, 2:22

Current Mood:: shit.

Current Music:: the used.

well..

..
this sucks.
):

phone murder.

: misside; March 20th, 14:41

Current Mood:: sick

Current Music:: enter shikari

i swear to god, my phone is trying to kill me. ):
and its getting old, and you think i'd be used to it by now, but im not.
it keeps sending me his old messages. ):
it has been for the past two weeks, since we broke up, and it happens every few days..
and sometimes there good messages, that make me smile, and sometimes there bad ones, that make me tear up, and then i get pissed cos im in public, but every fucking time it hurts still.. ):
whats worse is, its not any of my other messages doing it, just him. just his messages that i have saved because their favourites, and i want to remember them.
its just plain stupid, and evil, and i hate it. ):
and yeah, i just got sent another one.. ):

ughh.
what a shitty day but.
i didnt want to get out of bed this morning, so now im tired and cranky, and i feel like im about to throw up, and its just been a shitty day with tafe. i cant get any of my stupid fucking work right. i shoulda skipped today.. except that i love fridays. ):

and i was bad last night.
:/
i was thinking about him like i did when we first broke up.
it wasnt good.
):
yeah, i feel asleep pretending he was cuddling me.
and out-right missing him like crazyy all over again.
ugh.
im terrible..
):

oh, and he did text me. not just one of the old ones resent, a proper new text. on monday? i think. he asked if he could see me sometime this week, i said thursday, and he said okay, ill text you wednesday and sort out the details. well, wednesday night, its about 1030, im like, whyy hasnt he texted me yet, going crazy. then i give in and ask him whats happening, and he cancels. ): he's busy with practice for a performance thing he's meant to be doing next week, so maybe after that we could hang out. ): so yeah, complete and utter disapointment. cant help thinking, well, i guess he doesnt miss me. i guess what he wanted to talk about wasnt that important, and well, he wouldve only been doing it for me because he wasnt that interested. i feel so stupid and hopeless.. i just dont know what to do, and its driving me crazy.
and the worse part?
i kinda looked nice yesterday.
):

):

: misside; March 12th, 22:48

Current Mood:: sick

my head feels like its going to implode.
i think im sick.
):

seriously but.
my heads mess right now.
):
im so lost still, i dont knowwhat to do..
its like, argh.. i just, i want to move on. i want to get over this. i HATE being like this..but the need to be with him again is stronger. i want to be with him more, and i want to remember everything we had more. and so im stuck. how can i move on when i want him so much? and i know, were not gonna get back together. he never wanted me. i shouldnt expect that we would. and i even think worse things like, i dont deserve to be in this mess, he should have treated me better, i did everything i could to make him want me, stupid FUCKING shit like that. ): and then i hate myself more. who am i kidding? its no fucking figure he cant love me, im a fucking mess, i hate me, how can anyone love me when i dont? gods..

i just want my superman back.
):

grrrrr.

: misside; March 9th, 10:17

Current Mood:: annoyed

so i skipped tafe today, because, well, mum thinks im sick, so im playing up to it. why not if i can get a free day out of tafe for it? :) mondays are shitheads anyway. :)
and so i planned on sleeping all day. especially cos i know i didnt fall to sleep till well have three fucking am last night. ): stupidstupidstupid. ): and guess what? i woke at 10am and couldnt go back to sleep. not only was that a tiny 7 hours compaired the the 13 hours i had hoped id sleep, but now im bored, and i know that when i go to work tonight, ima be sleepie, and no, i cant fucking sleep at work can i?
ARGHHHH. ):
and i have nothing to do all day.
i. want. to. sleep. moar. D<
fuckity fuck fuck.

oh.
and he's listening to nickleback. ):
REALLY LOUD.
D<

and now nessa and gwilym are home.
the fuckers didnt even bring me guitar hero.
)':

what a shitty fucking day.
:/
can i skip it plssss?

):

: misside; March 8th, 20:58

i miss him.
can i have him back now? ):
gosh its not even been a week. i feel so.. empty. ):
he stole all my fucking sunshine.
i want it back. i dont like being like this. i just can be motivated to.. do shit anymore. :/
thats not normal, either..

is it bad that every morning i wake up and pretend im cuddling with him? i mean, can you blame me when i dream of him every night? ):
so naturally he's the first person on my mind, and then without the dreams he'd still the first person on my mind anyway. i just want him back. ):

i havent told mum yet either.
she thinks im sick. :/
i mean, i cant blame her, all i do most afternoons is sleep. i dont want to be awake anymore. ): and sleeping passes the hours faster than being awake. so long as i can get to sleep, which is becoming harder and harder.

god i dont know what to do..
i just want my superman back.
):

Pre-James, James, and After-James.

: misside; March 6th, 11:31

Current Location:: tafe

Current Mood:: blank

ahhhh.
so last night at work, i was trying to remember life, Pre-James. back to the end of 2008, which really was only about two months ago, and i couldnt remember much at first. i was trying to remember how i acted, how i lived,etc. some of the things i remembered scared me. what i remember was kinda funny. i mean for starters, the MUSIC, Pre-James, was just so very different. I thought i knew so much about it, and really it was shit all. i mean, one or two songs from a band should allow me to say i was a fan of their music. :/ that i knew their music. it was all Bullet for my valentine, Linkin park, and i was defently getting back into old Panic at the Disco because of a party insident at the end of December. hahaha, just before i met James on New years. oh, and life James was all about We Are the Emergency, and Paramore. hmmm.. i wonder what music after james will get to be. i think a combonation of old and new. yes, before work last night i was listening to my ipod, instead of his. i feel guilty listening to his, i know i should give it back to him, or better, give it to clare to give back to him. but i love his music. im still meant to be learning all the music on there. he tought me so much better music, like WATE, and elora dana, and thrice. ohhh thrice..

But really, it shouldnt've been hard trying to remember back two months, should it? thats how much ive changed by being with him. Dont get me wrong, im not saying i changed badly. i guess now im a little more expericenced at life, and im greatful for the time i got to spend with him.. im sorry we ended things the way we did. i wish we could be friends, but it still hurts so much thinking about the time we had, and the things he said and did to me, i think i need to leave it a couple of weeks before i can safely talk to him again. then maybe ill ask if we can be friends, i dont want to loose him. and, he needs a friend that cares for him right now. Alex is so caught up in his own life, with Tara and highschool he's not going to notice much, and Clare, well, clares clare. she's a shining star that can cheer you, but doesnt know how to get deep and personal. so he needs a friend that cares, and maybe i can be that for him.

i was also remembering the little things i noticed about james during the james time i had with him, and some of the things i realised scared me. he's ALOT like me. zac was right when he said james didnt believe in himself. he's so insecure and closed off, if i knew what he was thinking i think i'd be allowed to be very worried about him. he really does need somebody to love and look after him. not as a girlfriend, he already pushed me away, but as a friend. and its silly, i shouldnt try to do this for him, im just gonna end up fucking myself over. ill get hopeful, thinking maybe if were friends he'll be reminded of what he's missing out on and he'll want me back, but really, can you blame a girl?

so i remembered other things i forgot about from life pre-james. people dont care about your life. friends pretend to care, but their only really asking for gossip, or to talk about themselves somemore. you'll rarely find someone genuenly worried about your life and wanting to make things better for you. i also remembered how to fake a smile, and to lie. i remembered that, well, yes, nobody gives a shit about my life. if someobody asks me how i am, dont tell them that your shit, concidering suicide every half hour, etc. tell them you fine, that lifes good, and fake a darn convincing smile for them, and you know what, they'll believe every fucking word, because they dont care. and if your feeling up to it you could probably sneak some sarcasm in there and they wont even notice it. it'll be your own little joke, that when your alone you can laugh at.
so now i probably sound like a suicidal freak, whos a little more than crazy, but its not true. because i do fucking care. i am genuenly worried about my friends lives. i had so much free time pre-james, i was more caught up in my friends lives than my own. i didnt care about me, i still dont. it was just what i did.

gosh. im just saying, i broke so many of my own little personal rules i had in place before i met him. i thought i had trained myself so well. i was smart, i knew falling in love with a boy would only end in heart ache. i thought id be smart enough to avoid that. nomatter how much you love someone right now, your going to get hurt by them in the end. nothing lasts forever. these were the things i used to tell myself over and over, life pj. i mean, even a elderly couple who's been married for 5O years and has four chrildren are still going to end up hurt. one will die, the other has to deal with that. the one who died would have died knowing they were leaving their beloved to live this life alone. and thats not all i had taught myself. i was stupid to belive that somebody would actually CARE about me. who was i kidding, thinking he might actually end up loving me. its me for fuck sake. im to messed up to be loved, i should have remembered that. i forgot so much with him. i should have been more careful, not so hopefull. maybe it wouldnt hurt so much now if i had been smart about everything.
and to think, id actually thought we'd stay together for years to come, maybe even get married. me. i thought ID get married to him. what the fuck was wrong with me? i dont marry. i dont want marriage. thats how bad it got. wanna know whats worse? if he asked me to, i'd have his baby. id love the little baby so much because it was his. i could imagine me holding a baby boy that looks just like myjames. with dark curly hair and beautiful green eyes. god what was wrong with me. i had only been dating him two months.

ahhh...fuck. i miss him so much right now.. ):

oh, and wanna know what tops it all off? he asked clare to look after me. i was so angry when i found out about that that i started crying. i was at work when i found out. i was so embarassed, i ran to the toilets. ): i mean, how dare he?! if he was so fucking worried about me he should look after me himfuckingself, otherwise he shouldnt be worrying in the first place. he dumped me because he didnt care, arughhhhh!!!!! i told her not to worry, ~~im kandi, im souless, nothing upsets me,~~ im fine and if she wants to make sure im okay, make sure he's okay for me. i didnt tell her the striked parts, justsoyouknow. :/

godijustwanthimback.. i just want him to hold me, to kiss me and to tell me that he was mine again and again.. ):

im going to see wate at hq on the 22nd. he should be going. i dont know what to do, but he cant stop me from seeing them. clare said she'd take me.

(no subject)

: misside; March 3rd, 23:05

Current Mood:: scared

so, i went to this concert yesterday, its a australian tour of, i think the genre would be like, metal and alternative? well, yes, its called soundwave. heard of it? :)
and cos im silly, i got burnt. not just a little bit, either. my face feels like leather, and thats before i started layering on the alovera cream. :)
but overall the concert was pretty cool.
started the day by seeing elora dana which we were worried we wouldnt get to see cos it started at 1130 and the gates didnt open till 11. then alesana, then bayside, and then i was just floating around with my friends till about 4 when red jumpsuit started. x) was happy cos they played good songs, but i had to miss most of hellogoodbye. ): but i watched them play here (in your arms) and me and my friend danced to that. x) and then funeral for a friend was after that. and then more floating. got annoyed cos my phone died. D: but my dear friend saved me and we switched batteries. x) go us having the same shitty phone, haha. so yeahhhhhh. it was good. :)

so, now you probably think im a hard-core concert kid who's obsessed with music. ): im not deny the music obsessed part, but let me list a few fun facts about myself so you can get a better idea of who i am. dont want you judging me on one journal entry now. :)

x my names kandi
x im seventeen
x i live in wa. thats short for western australia. yes, i live in the middle of fucking no where. :)
x i have six peircings, maybe eight soon. x) their; twice on each ear, tummy and tounge.
x i love hayley williams. she is amazing to me. :) (paramore)
x my favourite colours are hot pink, sky blue and raven black, in no particular order.
x i draw. x) i love art.
x im addicted to coffee.
x im always on myspace.
x im a people pleaser. seeing people i care for smile is what i aim to do.
xi have two sisters, a brother, a brother in law and three step brothers.

thats about it. you'll discover more later i guess.
and now heres a question.

what do you do, when you love someone you have, but they dont want you? they wont leave you, but they cant stand to be around you anymore? its almost like torture really, having them that close but scared to touch them, because its not what they wont. ..ill do anything for him and he doesnt even want me. i had to beg him not to break up with me.. im so lost, what do i do? my bestfriend told me i need to end it, because he knows how much its ripping me apart inside. but i cant just give up on him. maybe after time he'll want me again, and then i can be happy again? i cant just give up when theres a tiny chance i might get him back.. and its killing me being like this.. he used to want me all the time, like he couldnt get enough of me and now he just.. cant stand me.. ):

misside

misside

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